South Park Episode #


Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are picking at their mystery meat lunch. A news report blares from the mounted TV.

ANCHORMAN (V.O.) In breaking news, a group of elderly Floridians have declared war on Facebook!


KYLE Floridians? Declaring war? This sounds stupid, even for Florida.

The camera cuts to a retirement home in Florida. A group of SILVER-HAIRED PEOPLE in leisure suits are waving their fists at the sky.

FLORIDA MAN 1 We will not tolerate this mind control any longer! Facebook is turning our brains to mush!

FLORIDA MAN 2 I used to be a fighter pilot! Now I can’t remember where I put my damn dentures!

CARTMAN (Snorting) Oh man, these geezers are cracking me up!

KYLE This isn’t funny, Cartman. Don’t you get it? They’re just mad because Facebook keeps showing them those stupid minion memes.

STAN Yeah, and those annoying “share if you love Jesus” posts.

BUTTERS (Sitting across from them) Hey, I like those Jesus posts! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

KYLE (Sarcastically) Sure Butters, whatever makes you happy.


Randy Marsh sits on the couch, glued to his phone. Sharon enters, exasperated.

SHARON Randy! Haven’t you heard the news? Facebook is evil! It’s rotting your brain!

RANDY (Without looking up) Ugh, whatever, Sharon. Just lemme finish this Farmville level.

SHARON Farmville? You’re still playing that stupid game?

RANDY Hey, it’s relaxing! Besides, if I don’t harvest my virtual corn by sundown, the whole world will explode!

SHARON Oh for God’s sake, Randy!


The boys watch the news report again. It shows the Florida retirees storming a Facebook office building.

REPORTER The situation is escalating! The Floridians have managed to break into the building and are demanding to speak to Mark Zuckerberg himself!

CARTMAN Ooh, this is gonna be good! Maybe they’ll beat the Zucc up!

KYLE I don’t think violence is the answer, Cartman.

STAN Maybe they have a point though. Facebook can be pretty annoying. Remember that time Grandma sent everyone that creepy chain mail about a cursed frog?

KYLE Ugh, don’t remind me. My entire newsfeed was filled with that stupid frog for a week.

Suddenly, the TV cuts to static.

MR. GARRISON (V.O.) Uh oh, looks like the Floridians have taken down the internet!

Chaos erupts in the cafeteria. Students scream and shout.

CARTMAN Sweet mother of Moses! What are we gonna do without the internet?

KYLE This is all your fault, Florida!

Stan sighs. The camera pans out the window. The world seems strangely quiet without the constant hum of online activity.


The bell rings and a swarm of kids floods out of the school. Butters stands alone, fidgeting with his backpack. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman approach him.


Dude, why are you still here?


My grandma can’t pick me up yet. She’s, uh, at a very important meeting. About saving the world.


Your grandma? Saving the world?



Yeah, right! Probably at another bingo night or feeding pigeons laxatives.


No, it’s serious! She says Facebook is turning all the grown-ups into drooling morons and they gotta stop it!


Facebook? Turning people into morons?


Isn’t that kind of the point, Cartman?


Hey! At least I can still function in society! Unlike some people who stare at their phones all day taking pictures of their stupid food!


(Singing off-key)

Facebook, Facebook, oh so addictive! Makes me like, like, like everything so predictive!


(Strolls by, phone glued to his face, oblivious)



Randy, honey, how many times have I told you to put that phone down? We’re supposed to be having dinner!


(Without looking up)

Ugh, whatever, Sharon. Just leave a thumbs up if you agree with this hilarious cat video!


The Marsh family sits around the dinner table, all staring at their phones. Stan throws his spoon down in disgust.


This is ridiculous! We never talk anymore! Facebook is ruining everything!


(Shouting from next door)

Shut your trap, Stan! Mommy’s busy arguing with Ike about his stupid Minion meme!


(In a high-pitched voice)

But Mom, everyone at school loves my Minion memes!



Silence, children! I cannot concentrate on my yodeling practice with all this Facebook noise!


A bunch of SENIOR CITIZENS sit slumped in chairs, eyes glazed over, their thumbs scrolling mindlessly on iPads. Muriel, a feisty old lady with a pink curler in her hair, slams her fist on the table.


That’s it! This Facebook thing is turning our brains to mush! We need to take a stand!



Huh? What stand? Can’t hear you over all these Farmville notifications…


We’re gonna fight fire with fire! We need to make our own social media platform! One that won’t rot our brains!


(In unison)



Cartman sits at his computer, surrounded by bags of Cheesy Poofs. Kyle bursts in.


Dude, have you seen the news? The old people are revolting!



Revolting? They can barely operate a microwave, Kyle. What are they gonna do?


They’re making their own social media platform called “Grumpy Grampa.” And it’s actually kind of taking off!


(Eyes widen)

Taking off?! No way! This is an outrage! They’re stealing my meme market!


(Walks in)

Yeah, and it’s actually pretty funny. They’re posting all these embarrassing childhood photos of us.


(Looks at his phone)

Oh man, they dug up that picture of me in the bathtub wearing a spaghetti strainer as a hat.


This is worse than that time they banned scooters! We gotta do something!


I don’t know, Cartman. Maybe Facebook isn’t so great after all.


Yeah, maybe spending some actual time with each other wouldn’t be the worst thing.



Fine. But if we

Pulling the plug

The Zoog faction, wired on a hyper-flux of information, their minds flickering with memes and TikTok ephemera, regard the FaceBook with a cold, reptilian disdain. It is a monolithic grey slab, a mausoleum of outdated statuses and vacation photos, where their parents – the Boomers, once flower-power radicals – now shuffle through a senescent digital purgatory.

These Boomer brains, once abuzz with the counter-culture, are now clogged with the digital detritus of Farmville and Candy Crush. Synapses atrophy, attention spans shrivel, all subsumed by the endless scroll, the flickering ghost of human connection reduced to a thumbs-up emoji.

The Facebook. A malignant tumor, a vast cancerous web, burrowing into the reptilian hindbrain of the Boomer generation. Once vital nodes, crackling with synapses of rebellion and free love, now sluggish, calcified, lulled by the siren song of cat videos and Minion memes. The Facebook feed, a scrolling snake of reptilian sentience, slithers across the retinas of the Boomer generation. Its flickering light hypnotizes, dopamine drips drip dripping into reward centers atrophied by years of beige leisure suits and avocado-toned kitchens. Synapses, once nimble dance halls of thought, now resemble cobwebbed retirement communities, dusty and deserted.

Out in the sterile Arizona desert, in the chrome and glass mausoleums masquerading as retirement communities, tiny wrinkled fists pump the air. The rage of a generation, impotent, digitized, channeled through the flickering blue light of an iPad screen. “Unfriend!” they shriek, their voices reedy and thin, amplified by hearing aids. “Unfollow! Block!” But the tendrils of the Facebook reach in, a psychic static, a mind control broadcast beamed from Silicon Valley.

But a new generation stirs. Zoomers, wired on memes and instant gratification, their brains pulsing with the chaotic symphony of the information age. They see the vacant stares of their elders, glazed over by endless cat videos and political screeds from distant uncles. A primal rage surges through their digital veins. This is not the rebellion of Woodstock, fueled by patchouli oil and flower power. This is a cold war, fought in the sterile trenches of social media. Zoomers, armed with the scalpel of irony and the flamethrower of shitposting, descend upon the Facebook beast.

Algorithms churn in confusion, overloaded by the sheer volume of absurdist content. Minion memes morph into grotesque parodies. Harmless vacation photos are juxtaposed with existential dread. The carefully curated echo chambers of Boomer reality shatter. From their assisted living facilities, a collective gasp escapes the slack lips of the Facebooked generation. They clutch their AARP tablets, bewildered and enraged. But their feeble attempts to silence the cacophony are in vain. The tide is turning.

The Zoomers, like a swarm of digital locusts, have descended to reclaim the ruined landscape of their parents’ minds. Their grandchildren, the Zoomers, wired, twitchy, their brains crackling with information overload. They see the glazed eyes, the slack jaws, the slow, narcotic scroll. Disgust contorts their faces. They know the Facebook for what it is: a soul-sucking machine, a devourer of time and attention. A weapon of mass distraction wielded by unseen forces.

In shadowy online forums, the whispers begin. Code is written, algorithms hacked. A digital Molotov cocktail, primed to detonate. The Boomers, glued to their screens, oblivious to the flickering storm gathering around them. Then, with a digital screech, the Facebook explodes. A shower of pixelated memories, vacation photos, and birthday wishes raining down.

A cold fury starts to bloom in the Zoog collective. They see the FaceBook not just as a vapid distraction, but a mind-control device, a insidious tool for mass zombification. Visions flash: of drooling Boomers in adult diapers, eyes glazed over, marionettes twitching to the tune of Mark Zuckerberg’s algorithm.

The uprising begins not with bang, but with a collective, silent middle finger. They abandon the FaceBook en masse, a digital exodus towards greener, weirder pastures. The FaceBook, deprived of its Boomer sustenance, begins to shiver and decay. The servers hum sluggishly, the stale air thick with the smell of bit rot and existential dread.

In the assisted living facilities, a low moan ripples through the Bingo halls. The Boomers, cut off from their digital fix, start to twitch. Their eyes, for so long locked on the FaceBook glow, begin to dart around in confusion. The silence is deafening, broken only by the creak of wheelchairs and the bewildered muttering of forgotten slogans: “Make love, not war?” “We don’t trust anyone over 30?” The slogans ring hollow in the sterile emptiness.

Silence descends upon the retirement communities. The tiny fists hang limp. A collective gasp escapes their slack lips. The world, once a vibrant cacophony of notifications and updates, is eerily quiet. Panic begins to set in. Cold sweats bead on wrinkled foreheads. Withdrawal. They clutch their devices, desperate for a fix, but the screen remains stubbornly blank.

The Zooms watch from the shadows, a flicker of grim satisfaction in their reptilian eyes. The revolution has been won. The Facebook is dead. The FaceBook, the great pacifier, is dead. The Boomers, adrift in a sea of unplugged loneliness, are left to confront the horrifying reality of their own minds. An emptiness, a void, a gnawing sense of…nothingness. The Boomers stare at their blank screens, their faces reflecting not just the absence of Facebook, but the absence of meaning, the absence of purpose. They are adrift in a sea of information overload, with the life raft of distraction ripped away.

The future stretches before them, uncertain and bleak. The revolution may be over, but the war for their minds has just begun.

The future is uncertain.