Old Time Religion

Crawled into an Orthodox church on a Tuesday, man. Virgin Mary dripping everywhere – jeweled icons, frescoes weeping with her sorrow. She’s wired into the whole damn system, feedback loop of piety and guilt. Makes you want to genuflect, mainline incense smoke like a holy fix.

Then you stumble out, retinas fried from the gold leaf, and BAM! Billboard for a megachurch down the street. Some chrome-domed dude with a perma-grin plastered across his face promises eternal salvation … for a price, naturally. Rock and roll hymns blasting from a ten-ton speaker stack, the whole scene a garish Vegas knock-off of the real thing.

Crawl through the flickering neon doorway, mainline American Jesus pulsing from a thousand chrome crucifixes. Here,the Holy Spirit’s a tele-evangelist with a voice like nails on a chalkboard, hawking salvation snake oil to a congregation wired on caffeine and desperation.

These Protestant meat puppets, lobotomized by dogma, wouldn’t recognize the Virgin Mary if she sashayed down the aisle in a sequined miniskirt. They chopped the feminine out of their religion with rusty pruning shears, leaving a barren wasteland of repressed sexuality and power struggles.

The pastors, slicked-back hair and televangelist tans, writhe on stage like epileptic rock stars possessed by the ghost of Elvis. Their sermons are cut-up manifestos of guilt and judgment, twisting scripture into barbed wire to bind their flock.

They’re information brokers, slinging salvation like used car salesmen on a bad acid trip. Virgin Mary? Nah, that’s idolatry, see? Can’t have any competition in their narcissistic freak show.

This ain’t no holy communion, it’s a psychic bloodletting, a megachurch feeding frenzy where the only miracle is the sheer audacity of the grift. They pump the faithful full of fear and conformity, then bleed them dry through collection plates the size of swimming pools.

Where’s the ecstatic visions, the Dionysian mysteries? Buried under a mountain of beige carpeting and hymnals reeking of mothballs. These evangelicals wouldn’t know a true religious experience if it bit them on their polyester pantsuits.

Their god’s a control freak with a bad comb-over, a celestial tyrant obsessed with obedience and tax-deductible donations.This ain’t liberation, it’s a spiritual lobotomy. Time to break free from the matrix, mainline some real transcendence, and leave these synthetic saviors choking on their own hypocrisy.

This ain’t no path to enlightenment, Alice. It’s a joyride through a technicolor nightmare, a grotesque funhouse mirror reflecting back a distorted image of faith. They’ve cut the wires, severed the connection to something bigger, something real. All that’s left is a pulsating, synthetic simulacrum of religion, a flickering neon sign promising salvation for a price. But the price, Alice, is your soul.

You ask yourself, maybe it’s time to visit a good old Catholic but something weird happens you seem to have forgotten about.

Imagine a labyrinthine cathedral, incense thick enough to choke a cherub, the Virgin Mary perpetually shrouded in shadow. Here, the feminine is locked away in a jeweled cage, a silent icon dispensing guilt instead of grace, a silent prisoner in a museum of piety. These incense-sniffing censors wouldn’t know the divine feminine from a rosary bead.

Their priests, draped in black like existential crows, preach a gospel of guilt and obedience, their words dripping with Latin like a bad hangover. Confessionals become psychic torture chambers, a twisted peep show where you confess your most intimate sins to a man who’s sworn off the very thing that makes life worth living, the stench of sin clinging to the air like cheap cologne. Here, desires are strangled, natural urges deemed demonic. It’s a psychic Inquisition, a mind control experiment disguised as piety.

Forget ecstatic visions here, son. This is a church of dusty relics and mumbled prayers, where the only high you get is kneeling on cold stone for hours on end. They traffic in control, these Catholic spooks, keeping the flock docile with threats of hellfire and purgatory’s eternal traffic jams.

Catholics, man, they’re the original guilt pushers. Madonna-whore complex baked right into the damn catechism. Virgin Mary on a pedestal, untouchable, while every other woman gets slapped with the scarlet letter.

These incense-waving priests drone on about original sin, dripping with their own repressed desires. Confessional booths become psychic torture chambers, a Catholic guilt trip on infinite loop.

The whole damn Vatican’s a gothic horror novel come to life. Gargoyles leering down from St. Peter’s Basilica, casting long shadows on a religion obsessed with death and suffering. They call it mortification of the flesh, but it’s pure self-flagellation, a spiritual S&M club masquerading as redemption.

And don’t even get me started on the power plays. Popes in silk robes, hoarding secrets like they’re Scrooge McDuck with a vault full of indulgences. Celibacy? More like a breeding ground for hypocrisy and scandal. 

Forget the rockstar pastors, here the power trip is a slow burn. It’s the promise of absolution held just out of reach, the knowledge that salvation hinges on the approval of these self-appointed gatekeepers of God.

Maybe it’s all a cosmic joke, some twisted divine comedy. Evangelicals with their narcissistic rockstar preachers, and Catholics drowning in guilt. This ain’t transcendence, it’s a guilt-fueled guilt trip. Catholicism’s a gilded cage, a beautiful prison where women are expected to be silent, submissive handmaidens. It’s a system reeking of mothballs and hypocrisy, a far cry from the raw, ecstatic experience of the divine.

Time to break free from the incense haze, to reject both the televangelist scream and the whispered pronouncements of the confessional. The true divine is out there, beyond the walls of these institutions, waiting to be experienced without the burden of dogma or the shackles of repression.