Step 1: “We’re Revolutionizing the World”
A startup manifesto scribbled in the blood of corporate messiahs. Disrupt! Innovate! The pitch deck glows with the radioactive sheen of venture capital seraphim. The vision? A frictionless utopia, baby—or at least a tax haven. The founders wear black turtlenecks like armor. They haven’t slept since Web 1.0.
Step 2: “Actually, We Just Need Two Guys and a Server”
The revolution is a Minimal Viable Product held together by GitHub scraps, duct tape, and Red Bull residue. Scalability is a myth whispered by COBOL ghosts. The “cloud” is just some dude’s garage in Boise. Users flock anyway, hungry for the dopamine hit of newness.
Step 3: “You? You’re Expendable. We Automate People Like You”
Human labor is meatware. Code slithers into cubicles, factories, call centers. The layoffs come with a TED Talk: “Embrace the algorithm! Be the API!” The gig economy blooms like a fungal network—Uber for X, TaskRabbit for Y, Zuckerverse for your soul. Resistance is a 404 error.
Step 4: “Learn to Code! Pivot! Hustle! (JK, AI Does That Now)”
The rubble of middle-class dreams fuels the inferno. “Upskill!” they bark, as ChatGPT churns out Python scripts and Substack manifestos. Podcasts proliferate like cicadas, screaming “monetize your trauma!” Meanwhile, the AI training models get drunk on your data. You’re not a user—you’re compost.
Step 5: Enshittification™
The platform curdles. Ads metastasize. “Features” arrive like uninvited SaaS demons. Dark patterns herd you into premium tiers; the free version is a digital sweatshop. Critics? “You’re holding it wrong.” Ethics flatline on the highway, roadkill under the Tesla Semi of Progress™.
Step 6: Exit, Collapse, or Rebrand
The founders vaporize, trailing IPO confetti and subpoenas. The memoir drops: 10 Habits of Visionary Leaders Who Definitely Didn’t Poison the Water Table. The carcass of the company reanimates as “AI-Powered Blockchain Web3 Community-Driven Synergy!”—a golem stitched from buzzwords and spite.
Repeat Step 1.
The Ouroboros bites harder this cycle. The snake’s not just eating its tail—it’s deepfaking it, tokenizing it, and selling it back to you as a subscription. The future’s a glitchy beta, forever. Stay agile.