Category: Non Fiction
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Emperor Rudolf II,
Emperor Rudolf II, a man drowning in a vat of his own melancholic bile. His mind, a flickering black and white projector reel of paranoia and dread, churned out anxieties faster than a printing press spewing out papal edicts. The Holy Roman Empire, a ramshackle motherboard of bickering duchies and teetering free cities, reflected its…
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Emperor Ferdinand the Firstu of Austria
Emperor Ferdinand the First of Austria, a man wired wrong from the crib. Epilepsy, a demon electrician, kept throwing his circuits into meltdown. His head, some whispered, ballooned with water, a grotesque parody of hi a crown. Ruling an empire, a vast, glitching motherboard of duchies and kingdoms, was a job for a sharper mind, a more stable hand. Ferdinand, bless his drooling heart, wasn’t up to the task. Every grand…
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Charles II of Spain
King Charles II of Spain, a Habsburg with a family tree more twisted than a pretzel dipped in absinthe. Generations of royal couplings, a genetic cul-de-sac, had bequeathed him with a body like a malfunctioning clockwork automaton and a mind as sharp as a week-old turnip. Inbreeding, a grotesque tango of royal bloodlines, had birthed…
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Hindenburgh
Paul von Hindenburg, a once-mighty war machine, rusted and sputtering on his last legs. Age, a psychic vulture, picked at his fading faculties. Memories of glorious battles bled into hallucinations of goose-stepping parades. The Weimar Republic, a fragile patchwork quilt of ideologies, stretched thin under the weight of his senile leadership. Hitler, a hungry tapeworm of ambition, burrowed into the decaying Hindenburg brain. Whispers, laced with promises of…
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King George
King George the turd, his mind a tangled cassette tape chewed by the fat fingers of madness. Porphyria, they called it, a medical gremlin burrowing through his royal grey matter. His thoughts, once pronouncements of imperial dominion, devolved into a cut-up nightmare – muskets firing teacups, Parliament dissolving into a vat of jellied eels. The…
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Impaired Narcissism
There’s a long list of historical leaders whose impairment signaled a rapid collapse of futures for corresponding empires Biden type King George III (England): Mental illness, likely porphyria. Loss of American colonies, rise of constitutional monarchy. Paul von Hindenburg (Germany): Cognitive decline, facilitated Nazi rise. Collapse of Weimar Republic, rise of Nazi dictatorship. King Charles…
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There’s a Switch In Every Basement
“There’s a switch in every basement,” he rasped, his voice sandpaper on bone. A cockroach scuttled across the fly-specked table, leaving an obscene calligraphy of filth. “Not a light switch, man, a secret switch. You gotta crawl through the fetid crawlspace, past the bloated corpses of dead appliances, hear the furnace wheeze its rusty death…
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Assange
The Belmarsh beast, a concrete Moloch, squatted on the horizon, its razor-wire teeth glinting under the London sky perpetually stained bruise-purple. Inside, Julian Assange, a gaunt ghost flickering on security monitors, existed in a purgatory of flickering fluorescent lights and stale air. Five years. Five years chewed into him by the gears of a legal…
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The Law
The LAW. A chrome insect scuttles across the scabrous cityscape, its iron carapace gleaming with righteous hypocrisy. In its belly, a digestive tract of legalese twists and writhes, churning out REGULATIONS FOR THE CONTROL OF VERTICAL REST. EVERYONE FORBIDDEN – the neon sign shrieks – FROM THE VERTICAL REAL ESTATE BENEATH BRIDGES. Rich or poor, doesn’t matter. You got a heartbeat, you a goddamn vagrant…
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Don’t sweat the Scenery
A meat puppet thrusted into the meat grinder of existence. Flesh wired for lessons, a bio-circuit board crackling with error messages that are no errors at all, just twisted pathways to some fucked-up enlightenment. You screw up, the machine chews you out, spits you back in, reroutes the current. Rinse, repeat, until the goddamn circuit burns clear. This ain’t a one-way trip, baby. You learn, you unlearn, you relearn in…