Tag: Democrats
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Diary of a Liberal
To the Editor of The New York Times, It has come to my attention that some of the policies championed by liberals—those of us who have tirelessly upheld reason, civility, and, I dare say, the very fabric of modern society—have been blamed for the post-2008 economic crisis and, more alarmingly, for the rise of Trump…
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The System Was Always Failing—You Just Chose Not to See It
The first 45 days of President Donald Trump’s second term have been a bloodshot fever dream—wild, erratic, and laced with the kind of incoherent bravado that only a man utterly convinced of his own infallibility can summon. The air reeks of bad decisions and cheap cologne, as if the entire White House has been transformed…
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Sympathy for the Grift
Democrats are trickle-down economics in disguise, while Republicans are a perpetual motion machine of wealth—promising infinite returns as long as the last investor keeps buying in. Democrats are the sanctimonious snake-oil salesmen of trickle-down economics, dressed up in the shiny robes of progress, muttering the same tired chant: “If we feed the rich just right,…
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Playing For Possession: How the Democrats Got Benched for 2028
“Playing for possession: controlling the game without taking the risks to win.” The Democrats have been hit with back-to-back personal fouls, unsportsmanlike conduct, and an ejection for unnecessary skittishness, leaving them with no room on the scoreboard and no time left on the clock. Think of it like this: they blew a 3-1 lead in…
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Autopsy
It was a spectacle of calculated chaos, the kind of grotesque carnival only modern American politics could conjure up. The New York Times, that towering cathedral of Establishment respectability, found itself fumbling with its maps like a drunk juggling road signs. The first map—a digital fever dream of small-dollar donations sprawling across the republic—painted an…
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Pigfuck and The Sisters of Mercy
“Our faith in the integrity of the system has been restored! After all, democracy is alive and well—as long as we’re on top, of course. It’s a beautiful thing, really: ballots counted, recounts recounted, audits audited, until—by some miracle of divine intervention—Republicans win! Then, and only then, is the system above reproach, a paragon of…
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Democrats and the Subjunctive
The American HuperObject In American political discourse, much is made of the divide between Democrats and Republicans. Both are painted as polar opposites, with one representing progressive ideals and the other standing for conservative values. But when we strip away the surface, both parties operate within the same framework: the American Hyperobject. This Hyperobject, a…
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The Machinery of Violence
The Machine is hungry. Republican hands reach for the Big Red Button—no hesitation, no pause, just the itch, the primal need to blow something to dust. Preferably brown, preferably Other, preferably something distant enough to forget but close enough to feel the shockwave. Boom, boom, boom. A symphony of obliteration. Brown bodies turned to statistics,…
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Democrats and Tech
In the grand theater of American politics, the Democrats are finding themselves abandoned by their once loyal tech-supporting audience. Picture this: the shimmering beaches of Venice, California, where the promise of a crypto revolution was supposed to bring prosperity. Instead, it’s a ghost town of missed opportunities and empty storefronts. Abbot Kinney, that iconic stretch…
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Musical Golden Parachutes
The Republican agenda is a carnival of contradictions, a grotesque spectacle where fiscal conservatism is a punchline to ballooning deficits fueled by military largesse and tax giveaways to the elite. They preach small government yet loom large over personal liberties, wielding power like a cudgel in the name of moral authority. Their hymn to free…